And yet Ive just awoken from a dream.........A dream which told the story for those who could never understand.  It was all still there, still happening after 17 years.  This was worse however for it was not in the past but now.  I had all the tools Ive learned since his death, knew the freedom I feel in this life, and now remember why each day I have it I feel such a sense of wonderment over it.

Im still shaking........  Shaking from the gravity of it all

Shaking from his horrid screams, shaking from the image of him coming at me with his rifle and firing, intending to me simply to scare me into silence.  I never did go quiet however, for that is not what I was good at in that situation.  I had become the voice at the end for those who were broken. 

There we were in the kitchen, Ron screaming, Mom crying and trying to sooth him and the situation, and me caught in the middle of it all fighting for our lives.  The screaming and crying grew louder, to a crescendo almost.  It was in that moment where I truly wondered if I would live to see another moment......

And yet in that moment I cried aloud to Mom, to help her save herself...

She mouthed to me that she didnt wanna be there as Ron was trying to play mind games and bullshit with her.  As usual she was attempting to go with the flow but when I saw that something snapped inside me.  I cried aloud and told her if she didnt want to be there to go!  She began crying again and Ron started spouting more verbal abuse at the both of us, mostly at her, to try and keep her in that dark place with him.  I cried out to her "We are all living in this moment!  If you dont want to be here now, living like this then GO OUT THERE AND LIVE FOR YOU!!!"

She ran out the front door crying.  I knew she would not go far but that did not matter.  For in that moment she had chosen to say NO and show her strength to the world. 

Time passed and I went outside to find her. Two cars pulled up with elderly couples in both.  Mom walked over to the 1^st and began talking with them.  She handed the woman in the passenger seat a small book, I offered my ice tea to them.  The womans husband asked if I would grow up to be rich like my mother and take care of her.  This statement reminded me of the different perceptions people have of ones life.  For we were not rich, truly had nothing to our name Ron had not given and always threatened to take away, casting us out onto the street, at any given moment. 

It was thru a tear-stained face I gave my response while trying not to cry again.  I told him that if I could grow up to be half as strong as my mother, Id be one strong person.  They both smiled as tears started to stream down my face again.  The elderly gentleman asked my mother if they could talk to me alone for a moment.  She walked over to the other car trying to keep a smile on her face.  The elderly couple looked into my eyes and smiled.  I could feel they saw it all.........

I cou;d not control it any longer and began to weep uncontrollably.  It felt like a large damn had given way, sending my heart gushing all about, cleansing.  Though my grandparents were both dead, it felt like part of them had found me there in that moment.......

And still do I shake and am haunted by it all.  Not for what has happened I suppose for that is all behind me.  Not even Ron or his anger for that too is behind me in a most peaceful way.  I suppose being back there, as I am now is what truly haunted me.  For I know that my life was not intended to be lived as that.  The thought that it could still be going on after almost 17 years, in some ways worse than before......

For I felt it all deeply in my heart in ways I did not allow myself to before.  In that sense I suppose I was heeled by this dream.  But this shaking which I still feel inside will remain with me for all time, reminding me of where Ive come from, what Ive overcome and exactly why this life is so important to me.  Having come from this I will always see life as something to be grabbed onto and lived then and there for the next moment may not have you in mind.  The image of my grabbing a torch and carrying it down a path will always dominate my thoughts inside.  For whether its through actually leading the charge myself or simply supporting those who need it I shall live this life to the fullest and all that entails for ME.  And one day I shall find.....

My Strongest Suit.....