When I was 16 there was a boy. His name was Josh and he was beautiful. He was tall, thin with
golden hair..a tennis player. We had English together at the end of the day. I used to sit and just stare at him in class,
particularly his hands. They were perfect, like every other part of him with the tiny veins running along the back of his
magnificent hands. I would stare at his hands and compare them to my own. I would look at his brilliance and then look down
at my pasty, corpulent hooks that paled in comparison to his.
As the year moved on I began to loose weight and one of the first places I noticed a change was
in my hands! I began to get a secret thrill out of looking at my own hands, as they slowly got thinner like the rest of my
body. The more my hands began to resemble his the more I thought hed finally notice me staring at him in the halls and class.
I hoped hed show some sign of interest or validation. But he never did. We barely even said two words to each other.
As the year continued my best friend confided in me that she had a huge crush on Josh. We began
talking about him all the time and even drove by his house a few times hoping to see him. This was a very confusing time for
me for I would sit and stare at him and want him next to me and talk about him for all hours with my friend but still insisted
that I was straight. The year ended and over the summer my crush subsided but for the next two years every time I saw him
I couldnt help but stare at him. My weight began to plateau but I continued to compare myself with Josh physically, wishing
for that body as well as him. Whenever I felt like not exercising or eating properly I thought of him and his beautiful hands
and body and kept going. I knew it was wrong and weird but somehow it made things bearable for me.
He signed my yearbook before graduation our senior year. I couldnt believe it! Of course it was
some stupid generic Have a great summer and good luck! Hope we can keep in touch but still felt great to get it. Id finally
admitted the truth to myself and come out only a few weeks earlier and it was nice being able to let myself feel the joy at
receiving my yearbook from him signed.
I'll always remember Josh..the beautiful boy with perfect hands.
Written on May 13, 2001
