Im so fucking angry right now! Here all my friends are dieing and Im the one whos there to care for them, only alone. And, what the fuck? Rich is so fucked up! He hasnt been to see Teddy or anyone else whos sick since he broke up with me. They are his friends too! Most of them have known him longer!
I wish Janet was here. She always makes me feel better. I guess thats what sisters are for though. Shes always known me better than anyone else, even when we were growing up. I should call her but am too ashamed and angry at the moment. Part of me just wants to stay angry and make Rich so unhappy hell come back to me. I just things to be the way they were before.

I wish it were warmer here. These Chicago winters are very hard alone. Those 2 years Rich and I spent in CA really spoiled me. One would think that having grown up in Vermont Id be used to the cold. You get used to having someone next to you to hold you on those cold nights and make it better when things go awry. I just dont want to die, much less be alone!

Why am I sitting in this coffee shop? Is it to look at the cute guys? I swear I was half way through puberty before some of these people were born. Why am I looking? I need to stop. I need to be strong and stay fit and healthy. I feel like I cant do it alone. I need Rich! Ya know..I even thought of going to a church just for comfort. I think the last time I set foot in a church was when I was 17 and went to confessional and told the priest I thought I might be gay. What a mistake that was! He told me Id burn in Hell forever if I ever touched another man and then asked me to repent for my sins. That was such a hard year for me. Mom died and I was and I was beginning to realize the truth about myself. I wish she could have been there when I told everyone. I wonder if shes proud of me now.

Fuck! A women just lit up a cigarette not more than two feet away from me! Damn, I want one so badly. That and a good drink w/some nice weed would be great right now. That certainly takes me back. I remember smoking up with Rich, Teddy and Travis in Teddys apartment. We were doing almost every weekend there for a while. But we thought we were invincible. One night Teddy came in with some cocaine. The next thing I knew we were all trying it and got pretty hooked on the shit. It got way outta control and one night Rich almost overdosed. That scared the shit out of us so Rich, Travis and I quit after then. But not Teddy. No, Teddy never stopped. He was indestructible and nothing could hurt him. Now look at him laying up in that hospital bed without a clue of whats going ondieing. Then Jimmy and Harry got sick and now maybe Matt. God, let it stop! What is this, some kind of gay plague? It seems like like none of us is safe from this. Weve all been touched in some way by this.

I seem to walk slower these days. My feet are heavier and I feel beaten down by the world and all of these horrible things of late. I can feel the tension all over inside my body. It just wont go away. Ive tried massages or relaxing but nothing seems to work. Everything in me is in knots, most of all my heart. Why doesnt Rich just come back? Everything would be so much better! My shoulders are so tense and tight. I just walk around holding my arms folded almost hugging myself trying to feel some form of closeness which I need now. Every moment I move is hard, heavy and I hold myself very deep inside and close to me.

I spend my evenings walking the streets and sitting in these damned coffee shops watching people live their lives and wonder how they can go on with so much suffering. How is it that theyre able to smile? Then I go home and look at all our old photos and think of memories had, places been and remember the happy times Rich and I had together. I listen to all our old songs, which we had and remember the times had then, and I weep I cry for what seems like forever and when I think I can do no more another song comes on or another memory comes on. Exhausted, I pass out more than fall into sleep. I dream of sickness and of my death and the pain it brings along with it. I somehow make it to work on time each day. I work for a telecommunications company as a provisioner. Its not a bad job and at one time I did like it and the people there. Now Im like a ghost there. I do my best to keep the boss happy but am not really trying very hard.

I cant help but think of how I met Rich with Travis and James in P-Town nine years ago. That week and meeting him was incredible. Those early days of ushow amazing they were. Then after only three months of dating we moved in together. It was so intense, like we both knew we were meant to be together forever. That was THE BEST time of my life. Right now feels like the worst time in my life. The only other time that comes this close is when I was 17 and mom died of breast cancer and I was realizing the truth about me. Her dieing was awful. Those last few weeks were so demeaning for her. It was horrible seeing her hooked up to all those machines. I wasnt even there for her when she died! I was in school and couldnt even tell her goodbye. I feel like Ive become a robot. The entire world will soon turn into one as well unless something gives soon! I need help!!! I need Rich!!!! My name is Saul and Im afraid.

Written on February 5, 2001